You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
