I want to walk on stilts...naked
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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