A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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