I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
