when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
