Too much gin, very little bucket
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
