I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
