I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
