Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
