I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
