EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
