speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I touched a dick in church today
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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