Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
