I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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