I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
