They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You had me at "let me see your balls"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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