Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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