doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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