You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
