i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Send help, water and tortillas.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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