You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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