I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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