my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
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There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
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How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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