it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
