She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
