Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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