I just threw up on my dentist
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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