Fine. I'll sleep in my office
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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