my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
