What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
