Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
