So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
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I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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