looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
