WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
