I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
