I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
