if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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