Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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