Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Just puked most of my soul out..
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
