This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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