I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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