So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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