soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
sex in a hospital.. check
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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