my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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