i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
