i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
There are leaves in my underwear?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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