Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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