yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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