ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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