How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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