Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
