we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
