I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
