this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
