the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
