I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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