They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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