I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
