I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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