I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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