one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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