Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
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I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
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So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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